It's embarrassing to admit hypocrisy. No one is perfect. However, I used to think that I would strive toward perfection, you know, as a goal for infinite self-improvement. Comedian Louis C.K. has a really great bit about how he flies across the country all the time to perform his stand-up and he typically crosses paths with U.S. soldiers. He thinks about giving up his first-class seat and giving it the soldier, but he never does. However, he admits that just having that thought makes him feel like a good person even though he never acts on it.
Video for reference: http://pocho.com/louis-c-k-flies-first-class-because-hes-a-professional-asshole-video/
Anyway, that's kind of how I feel. I'm already a shitty person. But I feel like a shittier person for knowing that there are actions I can take to make me a better person, but by not acting on those actions, I'm an even worse person.
In fact, inaction is one of my defining characteristics.
It's been three years since I graduated from college and I still have yet to put in a genuine effort to move my life along to the next level, which I've always thought would be graduate school. But due to inaction, I'm just floating in the ether, living hand-to-mouth, drifting from one dead-end job to the next. It's a pattern I recognize and worry about, but haven't made any effort to fix.
My friends and family say, "Tom, you're only 26, you're still young, you have plenty of time to figure it out." Eventually, I'll turn 30 and ask myself, "What the hell happened? I was supposed to have time to figure this out."
I knew that being in the liberal arts/soft sciences (Sociology, specifically) wouldn't have an easier end-game than becoming an electrical engineer and having an advantage in finding a job and negotiating a living wage. However, I never really bothered to plan ahead.
Hell, getting into college was one of the most passive things that I have ever done. I sent in an application at the beginning of my senior year and was accepted early. I didn't even bother applying anywhere else. I just accepted that this was the easiest thing to do and went with the flow. What the Hell happened to putting in some effort into life?
I thought buying the Math Workbook for the GRE would help me kickstart my motivation, but I haven't even opened it. The book just sits on my desk, collecting dust, and glaringly reminds me of how much time I waste on the Internet. (Oh, an interesting AMA on Reddit! Better spend the next hour reading that.).
Half my life is spent worrying. The other half is spent sitting on my ass doing nothing. It feels like I'm alone in this situation, but to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if thousands of other 20-somethings who aren't hyperactive go-getters or born into a life of privilege, have felt this way at some point.
But does knowing other people feel the same way really help me? We're all on the Titanic, so what?
This is what. Watching someone who has come into your life and knows exactly what she wants, gets on a lifeboat, and paddles her way to land while I just stupidly watch her leave. The ship goes down. I go down. Gentlemen, it's been a privilege playing with you tonight.
I think it comes down to a somewhat nihilistic point of view. What's the point in anything? There will always be exploitation, class struggle, poverty, greed, economic inequality, and turning a blind eye to the problems of the world. How can I live and be part of that system?
On the other hand, why do I feel personally responsible and why do I shoulder the responsibility of others onto myself? No idea. But either way, I'm paralyzed with fear and disgust with others, but mostly with myself.
I just need to be okay with the imperfections of the world and let it be. Right?
Try terrorism, don't do a uni bomber and kill people, just blow stuff up.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I think a lot of us have suffered from feeling we need to "figure things out." Maybe we don't need a master plan. We just need something that gets us to do something productive -- that is, productive to US, not society. This sounds corny as all get out -- I admit it -- but I read an interesting book that said people should stop thinking about what they should do, their plans and goals, and think about the things in life they enjoy and that make them happy. And then try to increasingly incorporate those things into their days. It was based on how you want to feel in your life: Creative? Secure? How do you feel in those moments when you have that temporary sense of "this is how I want my life to be"? The point is sort of that most people are beating themselves up for not being successful, and the few that ARE successful are so often still miserable. Like: not only is the game rigged, but the game isn't even fun. So WTF? Anyway ... at least a decent day job can buy you some time, because it's really hard to even think about, say, those creative projects you want to do when you're stressed about the rent and your lunch money.
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